The Captain Explody Patch

fuckyeahdolan:

regards dormiralabelleetoile

I never met a dog speak like this dog before

The film, the film! Of course the film.

(via pictochat)

So I wrote a song, but I’m conflicted over what to call it. I’ve got two names in mind, if y’all could reply with what you think is the better name, that’d help me out. So. Which sounds better as a title for a song?

“Crab on Toast”

Or

“Killing a Crab With A Hammer”

Basically a crab has died and I want the world to know. Which song title would YOU choose?

Watch this with the sound off, and then play the saddest song you can find over the top of it while you watch it. It feels like you’re watching the end of humanity. I played Winter by Joshua Raden over the top, it worked perfectly. When the apocalypse hits, that’ll be the video God uses to tell us that we fucked something up somewhere

Hello, I’m Doctor Handbag Frankfurter. Don’t worry, I’m a Doctor. Don’t worry about anything, I’m a DOCTOR. Back in the day being a Doctor was a very impressive and respected career path. Everybody wanted to be a Doctor, but only those would could accurately diagnose and treat medical problems were able to actually BECOME Doctors. An unfair system, I know, but those were the rules back then. These days playing a football game is much more impressive and respected than being a Doctor, because it’s easier and you get more pay for it and more people look up to you for it, and it involves much less reading or remembering things. So, football is the way to go these days if you want respect or money or anything. But for anybody who wants to try and help people, then I guess Doctoring is for you.

Now listen. You told me you have a particularly embarrassing medical condition, didn’t you? You told me in confidence because I’m a Doctor. However, you forgot to factor in two things: One, I’m not a very good Doctor, and Two, I’m a Doctor on Television. Now this doesn’t mean I’m NOT a real Doctor, as I very much am. It does, however, mean I lose a whole lot of the respect that used to come with being a Doctor, as I’ll sail your medical records right down the river just so’s I get a bit more TV time. This is the fame generation, not the “fruiting around being a Doctor” generation, so I needs to get as much TV time as possible. Plus, the pay day of being a big TV star is way more than being a Doctor. Think of all the people I could help with all this dirty TV money! OR, think of how early I could retire with all this dirty TV money! I wouldn’t have to help anyone ever again! Win win.

Now I KNOW your vagina leaks ice cream. That’s a terribly bizarre and unusual condition that you PROBABLY want to keep secret. But I, as a completely unbiased TV Doctor, think you should show your condition on TV, on my TV show called “Whap your Weird Medical Conditions Onto My Tele Right Now”. It’s a very highly respected television show, all the Doctors love it (probably). You’re probably a bit worried about going on television and showing everybody your ice creamy vagina. I understand how that could be worrying. Actually I don’t, because I’m a man and I can’t think of a better combination of things than ice cream and vagina, but whatever. Let me try and persuade you to see things from my point of view.

We’re all professionals on my “Whap Your Weird Medical Conditions Onto My Tele Right Now” (or WYWMCOMTRN for short). We’re all trained Doctors who just coincidentally happen to be utter fame whores as well. But we know what we’re doing. Now, you COULD go to your regular old Doctor and show him/her your milky vagina, or you could trust a Doctor WHO IS ON TELEVISION. Think about it: I’m a Doctor, AND I’m on TV. I MUST know what I’m talking about. Someone on TV wouldn’t make shit up, and a Doctor has to know his shit pretty well. Therefore a Doctor on TV must be like a Super version of a regular Doctor. Superheroes DO exist, and I am they. Or whatever.

Secondly, YOU’LL be on TV too. It won’t just be a closeup shot of Mount Vagina, oh no. We’re so much more respectful than that. We’ll talk to you personally about your ice creamy vag and try to get the real scoop from YOU. Everybody will know YOU. YOU’LL get your fifteen minutes of fame, and you don’t even have to do anyfink! Imagine all those twats on Britains Got Talent, singing it up using their mouths and whatnot. Now imagine you, you’re famous and you haven’t even done anything, you’ve just turned up with your vagina that leaks ice cream. You’re a celebrity. Sorted. Pukka. Win. Legend. Other words that will convince you that this is the right path for you.

Most of the people who will be watching WYWMCOMTRN have already seen a vagina, as most of them are of legal television watching age, and some of them have probably sneaked into the usually impenetrable internet. Hell, a few of the people watching probably have vaginas THEMSELVES. And wouldn’t the world be better if we could prevent those few vagina laden people from having ice cream leaking from their vaginas too? You could be a hero. You could bring awareness to this ridiculous cause and be a figurehead for the eradication of Milkgina. You could be a modern day Marie Curie, or whatever. Florence Nightingale. Or someone. Some woman who did something important, Rosa Parks? I dunno. That could be you. You could be the next Rosa Parks.

All you have to do is appear on television and let us perve ov…look at and carefully examine your ice cream vagina. Simple. You can do it on Skype if you can’t be arsed coming into the studio, just so long as everybody gets a good look, yeah? And then you’ll be famous and everyone will think you’re great, yeah? Yeah. So just sign this release form saying you’re cool with the idea of showing off your vagina on TV, ok? … Oh, you signed it as soon as I mentioned TV? Interesting. I mean, that’s great! Lets get that water slide of yours on TV ASAP! God I love this generation

Well, isn’t this lovely?

I was alerted that I was plugging the wrong cable into my Saturn, and so I miraculously found the right cable, which is all plugged in to the Saturn and the TV. Now the TV doesn’t want to show me any Saturn picture. It’s like God doesn’t want me to play Sonic. And I can’t get on board with any Deity who won’t allow me to play Sonic, thats just uncool.

 triste answered: You mean the cord wouldn’t fit in the communications connector port? Iirc, that was for the link cable - for multi-system network play.

Oh thank God, so I was plugging it into the wrong thing? Thats less alarming than a mysterious warping plug. I’m sure thats the right cable for the Saturn though, since I don’t have any other ones lying around. I’ll have a look though. Silly Sega, making me go all insane and irrational like this.