Makin’ some bootleg Figurehead CDs. Who wants one?
1: Your monkey-butler hasn’t ironed your solid gold trousers in time for the debutantes ball that you have somehow acquired tickets to.
2: You forget to bring your rain-siphoning umbrella for when it starts to rain liquid diamonds. How many times has that happened, am i right folks?
3: You don’t know the proper way to spell carapatsu…karraptz….carra…never mind.
4: The battery on your phone keeps running down within 20 minutes of charging because everybody is constantly phoning you up to tell you you’re great.
5: Sometimes you find out your dogs have been replaced by sharks that are cleverly disguised as dogs.
6: You get really hungry on Thursday afternoons, and you don’t know why.
7:Your nemesis picks the absolute WORST times to attack you and try to bring vengeance to his fallen family (ie when you’re walking down the street with your kids, when you’re in Church, when you’re in the middle of a job interview etc)
20: You never really learned how to count.
- 2 weeks ago
Farewell my friend
We had a heck of a ride
Four years, give or take
Do you remember when
We stayed up all night
We got so high
We could touch the stars
And now you’re gone
But not forgotten
And not forever
We’ll find a way
To collide again
So I’ll wait and see
And I’ll get my wish
Four years, give or take
And four more in the future
So last night I had the freakiest dream ever. Its not easy to freak me out, so its fucking typical that my own head is the only thing to really do it. Last night I had a dream, where stuff happened. #MartinLutherKing
Seriously though I had a dream. I dream a lot, I love writing them down, but this one was so weird and painful that I almost didn’t want to. I figured it should be documented though, I think the world needs to hear what kind of head I have on my shoulders.
I was waiting in line to go into some kind of leisure center place. Some kinda big building with little offshoot rooms where people could do activities or listen to talks or whatever. I was in line with a bunch of my friends, and I reckon its best if they remain anonymous for this whole piece, cause of what happens later. Anyway me and about 4-5 friends are in line, and eventually we get into the leisure center or whatever, and we get crowded into one little room, quite fancily done up. There’s a carpet and shit on the walls and stuff, it looks a little like the kinda office the Dean would sit in and jam on the bass guitar in those college films from the 70s. Animal House and whatnot. And there’s a guy at the front and he’s talking, and its like I’m back in school cause I’m not listening, I’m just joking around with my friends. I’m not really in school though, because I look like I do now, black jeans and long hair and shit. Its not a school thing, it feels more casual, like a poetry jam or something.
Three of my friends arrive late, I can see them out the window. I pop the window open and they come over to chat with me, and poke their heads in, survey the room. They’re late, so eventually they wander over to the door to get in, so they enter through the main doors, run through the hallway and arrive at the entrance to the room I’m sitting in. At that very moment though, as they arrive to whatever class I’m in, its over. Everybody starts milling out, and I greet the friends who arrived late. They arrived with other people, and one of the people my friends are with comes up and greets my friend (who I’m going to call Girl X for the sake of convenience) personally. They joke around, and then the friend hugs Girl X, and lifts her up. Then she (still playfully, with a smile on her face) kind of throws her back, out of her arms. Girl X unexpectedly hits the edge of a door with the back of her head, and hits the floor.
I remember looking at the expression of the friend, she turned from joyful to horrified in an instant. I looked down at Girl X, lent down to make sure she was ok. She had a look on her face like she was stunned, quite shocked, and she didn’t move. She seemed ok, but a little pool of water or clear liquid had accumulated near her head. In a split second, that clear liquid was replaced by a rapidly increasing pool of blood, and that freaked me out.
I stood upright again and immediately knew I had to save her. Nobody else was doing anything, they were all shocked, so I pulled my phone out and ran outside to get some reception. I kept pressing 999, but when I looked at the screen different numbers were coming up, like 977 and 937 and stuff. I remember holding my phone in front of face and carefully pressing the buttons myself to make sure I was pressing 999, and yet every time I did these different numbers would come on screen. I threw my phone away in frustration as it was clearly trying to spite me.
Not to be deterred, I turned back into the building and saw an old woman using a phone attached to the wall. An old school phone, one with a landline and everything. She was yapping away, and I made a split second decision that whatever that old lady was talking about, it wasn’t as important as my situation and she’d understand if I explained it. Obviously time was of the essence though, so I didn’t bother explaining it, I just put my finger on the hang up button that landline phones have (what the fuck is that hang up button called? You know when you put the phone on the hook and it presses against a button? Whats the name of the button, people?) and grabbed the receiver off the old lady. She was outraged, so I tried to explain it in a hurry. Either she understood the problem or my head just blocked her out for being irrelevant, as she doesn’t come up again.
Finally I get through to the ambulance service, and I tell them to come immediately, something bad happened. The woman asks me where I am, ie where to send the ambulance to, and I have no idea. I don’t know where we are, I’ve never been here before. Its somewhere in Lisburn, I think, but I don’t know Lisburn at all. I turn to a nearby man to ask for his assistance, and he keeps throwing words at me. Words that make sense in the context of this dream, but still words that definitely aren’t the name of the place we are. Once again I feel like this man is deliberately avoiding helping me, like my mobile phone. It feels like these two things are actively trying to stop me from saving my friend, which drives me crazy. I become so frustrated that I can’t help my friend, and that nobody else is helping either. I feel so helpless and frustrated, that the world won’t let me do the most important thing I could ever do. Sadness that my friend is dying, grief that she could already be dead by now since I spent so much time fucking around with the phone and ignorant people, frustration and helplessness, so many emotions properly were hitting me at once, and it really really sucked.
And then I woke up, and I have no idea what happened next. But I didn’t like it. So there. Thats how I dream, my head decides to fuck me over completely while I sleep. Awesome. It really was the most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced. I guess you had to be there.