A couple are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping some chocowhockoteenos underneath a big umbrella or whatever. The guy leans back in his chair,a big foamy moustache upon his upper lip. He wipes away some of the coffee foam with his forearm lazily.
Guy: So there’s this show, right? It’s incredible, its like a pawnbroker shop, yeah? Its so fuckin’ good.
The lady sips from her unusually tall glass gently, with none of the foam lingering on her lips. She is a lady, after all, much classier than the ne’er-do-well who sits opposite to her. Why she finds herself shackled to this man is a mystery, one she occasionally ponders over. One supposes the fear of dying alone trumps everything.
Girl: That doesn’t sound interesting.
Guy: It is, its so fuckin’ good. You gotta watch it, seriously.
The guy crumples up the napkins he was given whenever he received his coffee, and starts to rip them up absentmindedly, scattering the pieces all over the table in a terribly irritating manner, a manner that irritates the girl. She puts up with it. He may be an insufferable douchebag, but at least he doesn’t murder people. Right?
Guy: Its fuckin’ incredible. These guys own their own pawnbroker shop in like, Miami or Florida or Vegas or somefink, I dunno, some fuckin’ place. So they own this pawn shop, and people keep coming in to pawn off all their shit.
Girl: I still don’t understand.
She takes another sip of her coffee concoction.
Girl: Pretty sure I asked for cinnamon sprinkles on this.
Guy: Fuck your sprinkles, I’m trying to tell about this thing! So these guys work in this pawn shop, right? And all these other dicks come in and hand over their valuable crap, and the pawnbroker guys pay their money to these guys. You know how pawnbroking works, right?
Girl: I guess. Its not really an area that I tend to pay attention to, y’know? I think this is the first time anyone has ever asked me if I know how pawnbroking works, it doesn’t come up in my life too often. Like, how often does someone ask you if you know how bin lorries work? Not often, right? Because thats a stupid thing to inquire about, and its a stupid thing to make a TV show about. So why would I care about a show about pawn brokers?
Guy: You don’t know what you’re talking about, this show fuckin’ rocks. You watch shows about women who collect shoes, and you watch shows about people sitting around gabbing about other television shows, you don’t know a fuckin’ thing. So anyway, this show, right? The pawnbrokers take all this valuable expensive stuff from these guys, and they pay ‘em a certain amount of money for it. But here’s the hook, the pawnbrokers are all so fuckin’ clumsy!
The guy pauses, waiting for some kind of reaction from his girlfriend. She doesn’t make one, staring into her coffee lazily, gently stirring it with one of those stupid wooden sticks they give you in Starbucks or wherever.
Guy: Thats the hook! They’re all so fuckin’ terrible at their jobs!
He pauses again, waiting for a reaction; the girl signs quietly.
Girl: That doesn’t sound interesting.
Guy: It fuckin’ is! Like this one time, they had this really fuckin’ expensive car, and the pawn guy forked over like, fuckin’ loads of cash for this car, and as soon as they got the car they like, reversed it into the wall of their yard! Bunch of fuckin’ idiots! This other time, they were inspecting a necklace, really expensive piece of kid, you get me? And then this fuckin’ idiot drops the necklace and accidentally steps on it, ends up owing the person a crap ton of money and they don’t even get to sell it on themselves!
The girl rests her chin against her hands, and her elbow against the table, as she looks out into the street and wonders what her life might have been like if she actually followed her dreams, if she actually got an education. If she didn’t spend all day watching bullshit TV programs with her idiot boyfriend.
Girl: I still don’t see the big deal.
Guy: Because they’re so shit at their jobs! They are the worst pawnbrokers ever! Possibly the worst PEOPLE ever! Its so fuckin’ good. One time they got these honest to God Roman coins, and they accidentally handed them out as change in their own shop! Bunch of fuckin’ idiots. I could run a better pawnshop.
Girl: … Thats it? Thats the whole story?
The guy leans back in his chair, confident that he has just relayed a perfect anecdote.
Guy: Fuck yeah. What a bunch of idiots. You gotta see this show, seriously.
The girl sits there, breathing out and in again as humans tend to do, and she wonders if this is what the rest of her life is destined to be. Hanging out with the dumbest man in the universe, watching stupid television shows, and punctuating the watching of shows with the occasional trip to an expensive and shitty branded coffee shop to discuss said television shows.
Girl: Maybe we can watch it when we get home then.
Guy: Fuck yeah, I’ve got them all ripped on the internet, we’re gonna watch them all when we get home! Seriously, you’ll fuckin’ love it.
She sips the rest of her coffee slowly. The guy knocks his cup off the table and leans further back in his chair; he doesn’t care. What’s he got to care about? He’s sitting there with a relatively hot girl who listens to everything he has to say, and she fuckin’ loves it. All he has to do is buy her coffee every once in a while, and listen to her talking about her boring problems or family or whatever. The two of them eventually walk away, away from their seats outside in the mild sunshine. They walk away to their own home, where they can drink cheaper coffee as they watch some kind of terrible television show, and they both mutually and silently agree that they kind of hate each other, but are better off being together, because it makes them so much better than single people. Cause all single people do all day is sit around drinking coffee and watching shitty TV shows.